The UB Post

Issue date: 4/30/08 Section: Distractions

It's 12 a.m. Do you know where your children are? Of course not! Zombies are attacking them!

It happens. One minute, you're eating a sandwich in the park, reading a book, playing Frisbee with Rover, and then they pounce—brain-munching zombies, oblivious to the world around them.

In theory, the undead come in two zombie types: the impossible to kill, slow-walking "Night of the Living Dead" type—these zombies can be outrun easily and foiled by simple household items, (i.e., baseball bats or noise makers)—then there is the modern "28 Days Later"/"Resident Evil" fast-moving living zombie—these die after a few weeks of starvation/dehydration.

When they come for you—and they will…think back to that funny taste in the water—will you know where to hide out?

This is Baltimore. We don't run. We roll hard. Just watch "The Wire," "Homicide: Life on the Streets," "The Block," heck, "Sum of All Fears." When they come, we'll just wait them out. Baltimore, here are your zombie hideouts:

10

USS Constellation (Harborplace/Downtown): Think about it—easy to defend, easy to lockdown. Only drawbacks? Limited food and water. And, you have to live in the Baltimore Harbor. Gross.

9

World Trade Center (Harborplace/Downtown): Tall, easy to secure, and sure to house food and water from vending machines and the cafeteria; a good place to run if a stay in the harbor assaults your senses, but the glass entrance makes for an easy zombie target.

8

Guitar Center (Joppa Road/Towson). OK, so this offers virtually no security. Large plate-glass doors are like zombie magnets, but what the heck. It would be really cool to hideout here and to play raging end-of-the-world guitar solos. If 80s metal has taught us anything, it's that a strong strum of the guitar can destroy anything, a shredding lead line can cause lightning to strike, and an acoustic melody can save the world.

7

The Baltimore City Correctional Center (Midtown/just off I-83): Designed to keep inmates in, but also to keep zombies out; stocked with food, water and weapons. Only one downside—inmates.

6

Ravens' M&T Bank Stadium skybox (Downtown): Even normal people don't know how to get into these.

5

Walter's Art Gallery (Mt. Vernon/Charles Street): Locked like Fort Knox, this is a go-to for old-school protection. Secure doors and windows provide deterrents, but the real danger comes from all of the art—you might learn something…and zombies like brains.

4

Any deserted building west of MLK (Martin Luther King Boulevard): Because even zombies know where not to go in Baltimore. Represent, B-more.

3

Any Subway Restaurant: Honestly, who would think to look here? You can hide out from zombies and eat fresh food with "6 grams of fat or less." We all know brains don't taste good on fresh baked bread, so this is a no-brainer (pun intended) of a hideout!

2

The Verizon Data Hub center (Light Street/Downtown): This highly secure data center routes most digital signals from Baltimore and would offer the perfect sanctuary from a zombieinfested city. Virtually impenetrable from any angle, this window-free building offers secure connections to the outside world. You could watch Telemundo, BBC or any other stations from countries that still have a working TV station after the first wave of the undead. Staying alive in a world full of zombies? Good to go. Staying alive while still being able to watch season 12 of South Park? Priceless.

1

The World Relief Headquarters (7 E. Baltimore St./Downtown): This building is iron-clad, shuttermounted, Hall-of-Justice-style impenetrable. Hiders will be laughing mad while chucking stones down at zombie passers-by from this four-story fortress. With a name like World Relief, I have to imagine this place is chocked full of canned food and water. Hiders will be doing the Zombie Mambo, the monster mash, the (dare I say it) Macarena while brain-fiending zombies die out below.

And on the off-chance these spots are already inhabited, and it turns out they are led by that guy you offended at last year's Christmas Party, have no fear: You can always try your hand at taking a few zombies out with you—just pop in that boxed set of "Will and Grace" Season One and BAM! Even the undead have limits.

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christopher.henry@ubalt.edu

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